April 16, 2012

Patchie [Admits]

I had an awful week last week.

Really, I ruined it for myself. But something happened early in the week that I couldn't shake and it made everything else feel so much worse than it should have. This thing happened. I got yelled at by a customer and this thing happened. My evening plans were cancelled and this thing happened. I found a hole in my favorite shirt and this thing happened, along with every other little thing that week.

I don't shake things well. I watch people who are so easy going and let things roll right off their back and I envy them. I've had anxiety since I was very little. I see every way something can go wrong, yet I know I can't see every way and those unknowns keep me awake at night.

It makes me a good Stage Manager.

But it also makes me crazy. It gives me weeks like last week and moments like last Thursday where I smile through rehearsal and do my job and then on the way home I pull over because I can't breathe. I have an ex who used to induce panic and anxiety attacks whenever he figured out he was losing an argument. I am with someone now who understands that this is something I've been living with all my life and sometimes I just need to ride the wave. I am so much better than I was 4 years ago which was probably the peak of my anxiety and when I probably should have gotten help. But sometimes it bubbles up and over the edge, and then I can't breathe. And I feel very alone.

I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for help or sympathy and I'm not making excuses for myself or my actions. Almost 26 years in it's no longer an excuse. Sometimes I just have bad days. Much more rarely, I have bad weeks. And last week was one of them.

But the weekend was a weekend I needed desperately. Friday after work The Boy took me into DC for the evening. Saturday I had a fantastic rehearsal and then laid low for the rest of the day, accomplishing little things and having a lot of downtime. Sunday was a lot of the same and ended with some social time and watching The Boy perform in a karaoke contest. I don't have a lot of weekends with that much down time, but when I have a week like the one before I need it badly.

There are a lot of people who love and support me. And when I'm riding that anxiety wave, I need to look back on posts like this.

The wave ends eventually. I will always come out the other side. And yes, the grass is greener over here.

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