December 24, 2010

Patchie [Reflects]

I feel like I've learned a lot this year. 2009 was about endings - I graduated college, ended a grueling relationship, and left the state where I had lived for three years. 2010 was about beginnings - I am in a wonderful relationship, started a good job, settled in back home, and got back into my local theatre.

The big lessons though I feel have really come in just the last two months. People who I had considered friends have changed on me and it wound up affecting me through all aspects of my life. I was bruised for a long time. I don't really think I've fully recovered yet.
But then the Christmas Show happened with the Renaissance family, and things clicked for me. These people have known me for a fraction of the time and trust me more, love me more, respect me more. Why am I pouring my heart and time and effort into something that doesn't? In the same week I managed to catch a group of friends that I hadn't seen in a while. They listened when I talked, were genuinely excited to see me and ready to set up plans to see me more. Why would I try to flock to people who do the opposite?
In 2011, I need to redirect my attention. My job gives me the opportunity to make my life better - I can afford to buy a working car, take trips to see friends, and save up to start my own life. My theatrical life needs to make a shift - I won't spread myself thin to take a role that will be stomped on. This means I will most likely be taking a long break after my one act competes again in January. I hate to do it, but I think right now it's the best thing. Focus now goes either into directing or stage managing only, and nothing conflicts with faire. My friendships will become stronger because I am going to focus on the few that matter, not the mass that doesn't. I need to prioritize my time to make myself happier and healthier. Lastly and most importantly, my relationship with The Boy is the absolute best thing in my life and makes me smile daily, even when I'm angry or scared or sad. I was very selfish this last fall, and although I will still be doing both work and faire, I will handle it better.
I'm watching a friend physically downsize her life due to various things that have happened or will be happening in her future. Clutter makes me crazy, and right now I have a lot of emotional clutter. My goal (I hate resolution because it seems to be synonymous with "never gonna happen") is to simplify.
I spent 2010 saying "I'm a better person." In 2011, I need to be that person.

1 comment:

Kim said...

I have no doubt you will do whatever you set your mind to. You're a pretty amazing person. I'm only sorry I don't get to see you more often.

Happy New Year! And Happy New You!