July 15, 2010

Patchie [Analyzes]

This past weekend a friend had his annual birthday bonfire. Apparently this is the 12th one he's has, but considering I only really met him a little over a year ago, this was only my second. I remember it very clearly from last year. I remember hesitating to go because I had just moved back into the area and still didn't feel like I was "a part" of any group yet. I remember having to leave because I was going sailing at 7am the next morning. I remember everything I felt, most of the conversations I had, and thinking one guy was a complete douche and he now happens to be a good friend.

This time last year I had started this blog. I was unemployed, I was broke, I was ending my engagement, and I was inspired by art. I was happy and had found me again, along with the comfort to really let myself shine through and not let anyone else's opinion matter.

I'm still happy. I'm still broke. I'll be unemployed soon, but the RennFest'll help offset that a little. I'm with an amazing man who makes me happier and happier daily. I relied on the love of some people to get me through some rough things last year and I feel that I've lost almost all of them for various reasons, and that part's a little painful. I think I've lost my inspiration. I spend hours questioning my own talent. "What do I want to be when I grow up" haunts me daily. I'm caring what others think.

That last one is a little more complicated than it sounds. It's a political thing, mostly. I'm trying to work my way up to directing something big in the not-too-distant future, and if I'm creating bad blood it makes that harder to accomplish. I've been put in the position (again) with this summer show of taking on a role of responsibility and management, and I while I never asked for it I know it's stepped on a few toes. A few people I'm pretty certain are not fans of me, but it's my job to keep backstage running and making sure no one dies in the process. It's their job to be a pain in my ass. I mean act.

Anyway.

I'm happy and I'm not. I feel more in a rut, and that "endless possibilities await me!" notion is gone. I feel secure in the fact that someone loves me as much as I love them, and he'll love me no matter what I become or do. He'll love me even when I fail. But I'm putting myself in this rut. How do you inspire yourself to make those leaps again? I can feel I've grown a lot in the past year, but you don't always grow in a good way. I think it's buried my spirit a little. I can still find it when I try to look for it, I just can't dig it back up. Something's gotta break, and I mean that in a positive way. At this risk of being one of "those people," I need me working so hard all these years to pay off and finally get my break.

Step one needs to be the creative spark. Knitting'll usually do it for me, but that's impossible currently with a broken finger.

Or maybe I just need to stop thinking so hard. I put more pressure on myself than is ever necessary. Maybe I need a vacation from analyzation.

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